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Return to Scribblers and Ink Spillers Home Page by Jude Tulli Is it? It is! It's you! You'll have to pardon me if I'm not my gorgeous, gregarious self today. Oh, it's nothing personal. I don't mean to turn my back on you, of all people. It's just that I can't bear for you to see me like this. My last assignment went so horribly wrong. No, no, no, it wasn't your dental visit that broke the camel's back, though if I were a chiropractor I bet I would have noticed some lovely popping noises there. But the final straw was getting caught in a child's Tooth Fairy Trapscallion Device 2100. Kid geniuses (yes, I know "genii" is also the plural of genius, but that conjures images of magic lamps and, let's face it, if this kid had that kind of assistance I might not be here talking to you now). . .what was I saying? Oh, right. Kid geniuses really ought to be exempt from the whole baby teeth scheme, don't you think? It's a waste of their valuable time on earth that could otherwise be spent inventing better ways to combat overpopulation. Why are you looking at me like I'm the Ambassador of Venus or something? Oh yes, that's right, I'm so upset I forgot we have to go through the whole "Who am I?" shenanigan every time. I'm not even going to dignify that with a response. Anyway, I've been demoted to the most menial of manual labor mongers. Can't you tell from this pale green worker's jumpsuit they've forced me to wear? Look, they've even bound my wings so I get the "Full Flunky". Tell me truly, sweetheart, I can take it. My natural glow has left with the breeze, hasn't it? I knew it! Oh, where's a Godmother wand when you need one? What's that? You guessed it, Sherlock, old chap. I'm working as a leprechaun. And I thought wish-granting was boring! Know what this job entails? Here, I'll show you. See that rainbow over yonder past that clearing? (I wonder who first used the word "yonder", don't you? Wonder yonder. Yonder wonder. Such wondrous, yondrous words! And don't even get me started on the word yawn and how I wonder why hearing the word "yawn" even from far ayonder so often makes it happen. This job leaves me so disgruntled I think of preposterous precarious truths such as these all the wondering yondering yawning day long. But I don't mean to digress, it just happens.) Excuse me while I. . .yawn. There, that's. . .wait, one more. YAAAAAWN! No, no, no, I'm not crying I've just yawned so much my eyes are watering. Here, would you be a dear (as opposed to a deer. . .yes, it's true this job is driving me up the creek) and carry this pot of gold and walk through the forest with me while we talk? Oops, that was a pop to rival the camel's! Lift with your legs, not with your back, sweetheart. You don't want to be sidelined in the first inning, now do you? It's heavier than it looks, I know! I'd say thank you, but it's good exercise and you don't want to get me started on the long-term health benefits. Now listen carefully and try not to grunt quite so much, dear, it's unbecoming. When we get to the rainbow, do not under any circumstances touch it. Technically humans aren't supposed to be able to get close enough, but in your case I'm making an exception—for educational purposes only, you understand. What could go wrong? Well, something something. . .fabric of the universe. . .something something. . .unraveling beyond repair. . .something something something. They scheduled the ten minute training class during my naptime; I only caught little snippets. What's that? Just don't do it; some things it's best not to know. You must have wondered how they made your school lunches, but did you ever dare ask for a list of ingredients? Do you think we're there yet? My, you must have been a joy to vacation with as a child. I'll tell you a secret: when we're there, you'll know we're there. I'll even stand in the rainbow if it might put some color back in my complexion. No, no, no, I said humans mustn't. For all I know it's a fringe benefit for leprechauns. Honestly, this wouldn't take such a toll on you if you'd focus your arguing energy on the coin carrying. Good question; what is to stop us from getting robbed? Where were you during training? Okay, let's take a right here at ROY, and then we'll kind of sneak up on the G BIV. Slowly! Slower! Tiptoe. . .through the too-tall grass. Never any tulips around when you really need them, are there? I blame global warming. All right, I'll have to take the kettle of gold now. Stand back. Further! I don't want you catching any mirage drops and initiating the beginning of the end of something or other or anything. Oh, phooey! You see what I have to put up with?! It disappeared before I even got a chance to try it out on my face. And here comes its mommy the rainstorm. Isn't this just a lovely gig? I don't see where the rainbow went, do you? Let's just rest a minute. Here, I'll leave the money in front of you so you can pick it up again lickety split when the rainbow comes back. Open your mouth if you're thirsty; if you face the sun, the water's falling at just the right angle. Blustering wind's good for something, I suppose. So since we've got some down time, did the dentist fix your tooth pain? Oop, there it is! Can't chat now; quick, follow me! Careful, don't let any gold spill out or it'll lead the robbers straight to us. You have to be fast and accurate in this line of work. If they think one's skimming off the top of the pot one might get demoted to leprechaun's assistant which is. . .well, I won't scare you with true life horror stories of how demeaning that would be. I just did tell you about it. Gory details are best reserved for movies and television, don't you think? In real life they're completely overrated. No, no, no, it's not robbers, it's just thunder! Try to stay ahead of these clouds here. Oh dear, did you have to trip over that tree root?! Beware of snakes, they sometimes hide under the leaves and pop out to say hello while you're reaching down to recover a stray gold coin. Not mambas, though. I know you don't even want to think about mambas. Why are you shivering? Has the rain seeped through your aura to your soul already? It's really starting to come down now. Would you like an umbrella? I'm kidding. Have you ever seen a leprechaun with an umbrella? We'll just have to tough it out. No snakes, check. Pot of gold nearly o'erflowing (that's Leprechaunese for "overflowing"), check. Rainbow ahead, che— Where'd it go now? Oh look, it's coming this way! Ah, it feels. . .refreshing! Like your spirit's a plant and this is its first good misting since last fall. You'd best drop the gold and step aside before it— Oh no! It's too late! Fabric—seems to still be raveled enough. What do you mean "ravel" means the same thing as "unravel"? I've never heard anything so ridiculous, it should mean the opposite! Well, you know what I mean, and that's all that really counts when it comes to language if you ask me. No one died because you decided to take your fifteen seconds in the rainbow spotlight a la ALA. No, no, no, I didn't mean "a la mode". Have you ever seen a leprechaun eating an ice cream cone? I meant a la ALA. The ALA stands for "Against Leprechaunian Advice". Which is really just a fancy way of saying you never listen to me. But the point is I must have dreamed that warning in class. There she goes again! That feisty rainbow doesn't like to be tied down, that's for sure! Oh dear, please tell me I don't look anything like you right now. Whew! I'm still wearing just green but you—you look like you've been run over by a crayon truck! I'm sorry, sweetheart, hurting your feelings is just an unfortunate byproduct of the only laugh I've had since I started this miserable job. Yes, you're right. I'm not really sorry, but remember what I said about gory details. It's more important that we figure out how to reverse the effect before you wake up and have to explain it to. . .whoever might notice you've turned into a walking finger-painting. Lucky for you, I have a pocket book. No, no, no, not a purse. Do you think any purse in the world would complement this raggedy old getup? It's a book that's small enough to fit in my pocket. Yes, sweetie, I've had it all along I just forgot. Let's see. . .enteric mishap, explosives, exposure—human slash homunculus. Oops, went a bit too far. Exposure—fairy slash rainbow: Indigo rays especially excellent for fair fairy skin and as a source of vitamin Z. Not sorry, just curious. All right, here it is! Exposure—human slash rainbow. Oh, dear. I don't know what kind of karma you've got going that leads you straight into all these messes, but consider yourself lucky to have such a forgettable friend as me. Leave the darned gold here for the robbers, I want nothing more to do with it. Shhh, the lightning just flashed. One. . .two. Less than half a mile away! What could be scarier than thunder so loud?! I'm kidding you again; it's the lightning that should terrify you. I felt it shake the ground too but still, the sound and vibration's just the overzealous bark to the bite you haven't yet met. I assume, anyway. If you're already acquainted then this might not turn out as bleak a day as it started after all. You catch on quick! Yes, we're heading right under that monster cloud up there because. . .well never you mind why. It's a surprise! Feel that static cling? It's good for the clothes. Don't they make little round things that wash your shirts with nothing but the ionizationifying processes or something these days? Oh yes, now your hair's standing up on end. Isn't this a wacky, fun way to spend the day?! Oh my, your body made quite a convulsion in response to the. . .I hate to use the word electrocution, it makes you sound like a criminal of some sort, though some would argue such a label should stick in such a clear-cut case of forbidden human slash rainbow fraternization. No matter; you won't remember. Go on, get up out of bed and forget all about little old me. I know you're dying to jump back into that little life of yours and carry on. . .whatever it is that you carry. Sigh. Rainbows are more real to you than I—wait! Why are you still here?
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