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Return to Scribblers and Ink Spillers Home Page by Jude Tulli I must warn you: now that you've met me, your life might not be the same. You don't believe in fairies? Well, take a number my friend. Feel my hand on your shoulder? Just as ethereal as any ghost, aren't I? I'm glad that's settled for the gazillionth time. Of course I'm real! You wonder why you're here, then? Ha ha, don't we all! See, I grant wishes for a living, and let me tell you, it's not nearly as glamorous as it sounds. To date, I have given out $56,921,422.13 if you insist on counting in U. S. dollars (most people ask for Euros or British pounds or even Canadian dollars these days, understandably). Yet that's not nearly all. What else do people wish for? Let's see. . .islands, houses, cars, winning lottery numbers, miracle cures, "enhancements" to their appearance, personality transplants. One guy asked for immortality. "No can do," I had to tell him. Only vampires and that sort can manage it, and we fairies don't network in sordid circles. Another wanted all his teeth restored and protected so that he'd never have to brush them again. Small wonder he had but 3 left! I referred him to the tooth fairy, and she got the job done! What else? Hmm, I've had one, two, three, four, five--no, four! Four clients, three of them gentlemen and one lady, mind you, request my hand in marriage ("Not part of my contract.") When I refused they instead wished I would never leave them (more of a commitment than most marriages, if you ask me; besides, I'm not the one who typically does the leaving). Once in a while I'll stumble upon a philanthropist or two, and they'll want me to end war and world hunger, that kind of thing. Naturally if this was within my power no one would have to ask me to exorcise such ills (by exercising my power--sorry, cute wordplay amuses me and my station in life leaves me in dire need of amusement. Please bear with me while I bare my soul. Ha! I love homonyms, they’re such heavenly fun, aren't they?) Let's see, I get writers who wish for publication (like cashing a blank check for two cents, if you ask me), actors desiring Oscar-worthy roles (I always suggest they just try reading the scripts they're offered before signing on--they don't listen), parents begging for their children to get into Harvard, children begging for their parents not to expect them to get into Harvard and--this is the kicker--a Harvard admissions officer once wished-- What's that? You want me to get to the point? Oh. You people are so direct these days. No matter. Here's the point: The point is all my patrons share one thing in common. Whatever I do for them, it's never enough. Oh, they thank me, yes, and they smile and sometimes jump up and down and hold my hand a moment while they turn on the waterworks. Roughly 34.7% steal a kiss, and 11.4% of those go for the lips (good thing I'm a fast cheek-turner. . .yick!) But even after a wish is granted, something else in their world threatens to fall apart and they just can't stop wishing for the next obstacle to kindly remove itself from their path. Well there's just one of little old me, and I'm overworked as it is, so I have to stick to the one wish per customer policy. Surely you can see my plight. What about me? Ah, no one cares what I might wish for. What's that? You do? Really?! Well, if you lean in close I'll whisper it in your ear. Go on, I won't bite. A little closer, I don't want just anyone to hear, now. Yes, that's it. You really do want to know, don't you? THERE'S NO TIME FOR THIS IF YOU WANT ME TO GET TO THE POINT! Why did you wince like that? I'm sorry. I can't stop laughing, and honestly I'm only sorry because I'm not really sorry. But now that I've got your attention, it's time for you to tell me what it is you wish for. Yes, dear, that's been the point the whole time. Didn't I make that clear? Come on, tell me what you want. Just keep in mind our magic is limited. Think in terms of nudges rather than defying the natural order of things. You can lean in and whisper it in my ear. But if you yell, you can forget about it. That's an old fairy trick, and no givsies backsies, as the children sometimes say, if they still say that these days. Oh, almost forgot: I can't allow any workarounds like compound sentences or wishing for more wishes, and I'm not authorized to do anything it's illegal to charge money for in most civilized societies. Are you sure that's what you want? You only get one shot at this, you know. Think about how you'll feel tomorrow, and next week, and when you're older and hopefully wiser and maybe even a little more attractive if only in some intangible sense. Will you look back and wish you'd wished for something else? Okay if you've really, finally, forever decided, I'll take your wish under consideration and if I believe it's in your best interests without hurting anyone else it will be granted. This review process can take anywhere from an hour to the rest of your life, so just go on doing. . .whatever it is that you do, and be open to what comes your way. And try not to forget me, though only about 10% of my patrons seem to remember their dreams these days, and of that subset so far exactly one, two, three--no, the sad truth is that not a one has remembered my visitation. I blame television. Oh, that's right, most people think it will be instantaneous. Doesn't work that way. Fairy society is a complicated fiasco and in need of a major overhaul, I agree, but it's all we have to work with, you understand. Honestly my delicate little wrist has been slapped more than its fair share for bending the rules when I've just known it was the right thing to do. Perhaps sometimes I deserved it but I have no regrets, mind you. Didn't I explain already why you were selected? I don't remember, either. I thought I did. Well, we only cater to the kindest, most generous, loving and spiritually enlightened sou--I'm sorry, I'm kidding you again, it's completely random! Oops, I didn't mean to spit on you, dear, I just can't stop laughing! Am I only sorry because I'm not really sorry? No, this time I'm just not sorry at all. Sorry. (That last one was insincere, in case you couldn't tell). But really you are great fun, you must come and visit me just to talk sometime, how does that sound? I get so bored between gigs and it appears I'm quite forgettable to the rest of your fellow wish-dishers. You'll come back?! Really?! But only if I tell you what I wish for, huh? My, you are the curious one, aren't you? All right all right, if you must know, I suppose I'll tell you. Hold on just a minute, I have to think! I'm not used to being put on the spot like this. I wish-- I wish-- What is that infernal buzzing? Wait! Don't wake up now, I want to tell you what I wish for. I wish-- Ah, it's no use, you can't hear me. You're too busy dreaming up what to eat for breakfast. Sigh. I wish once in a while they'd remember me. END Come back next month when she takes a turn as the Fairy Godmother. Copyright 2009 Jude Tulli This website and all it's contents are Copyright 2009 Scribblers and Ink Spillers, LLC. No copying in whole or in part is allowed. You may link to this page. |